Bad Joke of the Day

[madratdan]

The Shortest Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot.

[madratdan]

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

[madratdan]

Whats gray and stamps out forest fires???
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Smokie the elephant.

[cavemike]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I
go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water---and, I will
be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches---that fish will jump for the fly---and, I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly
goes down three inches---and that fish leaps for it---that bear will
expose himself---and, grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear---and,
then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but
I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse near the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly
goes down three inches---and, that fish jumps for that fly---and, that
bear grabs for that fish---the hunter will shoot the bear---and, drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around
lunchtime, "Gosh---if that fly goes down three inches---and, that fish
jumps for that fly---and, that bear grabs for that fish---and, that
hunter shoots that bear---and, that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich---then I can have a mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water---The fish swallows the fly---The bear grabs
the fish---The hunter shoots the bear ---The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich---The cat jumps for the mouse---The mouse ducks---The cat
falls into the water and drowns.


The moral of the story is-----Whenever a fly goes down three
inches----- Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

[L Roebuck]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[L Roebuck]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[madratdan]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

[madratdan]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30

[madratdan]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the pretty blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are .................very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kingggggg.

[cavemike]

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that
took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump
off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk
below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and
he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no
arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass
itches."

[Brian Roebuck]

Thanks CaverMike!
ROTFLMAO

Beavis mode on>
he he - he said ass - he he
Beavis mode off>

It just proves you don't have to give an arm and a leg for a good joke on this forum!

DrB

[Cave Rat]

A HillBilly was sitting on his porch one day thinking " I would like to get me a Bar".

So the HillBilly got his gun, loaded up in his truck and went to the hills and shot him a Bear.

As he was dragging the Bear out of the woods, he ran into the Game Warden. The Game Warden told him "Thats a nice Bear you got there". The HillBilly said thanks. The Game Warden asked him if he had a hunting license. The HillBilly said no. The Game Warden arrested the HillBilly, took his gun and his truck, and then took him to jail.

The HillBilly got out of jail and went home. He told himself the next day, "I want a Bar". So, he went out the next day, got a License, a Gun, and a new truck.

He got up in the hills and sure enough, shot a big ole Bear. As he was dragging the Bear out of the woods, he ran into the same Game Warden. The Game Warden said thats a nice Bear. The old HillBilly said thanks. The Game Warden said I remember you. Do you have a License. The Hillbilly said yes. The Game Warden said good. He then asked the HillBilly, "do you have a Bear Tag to hunt a Bear"? The HillBilly said no. The Game Warden arrested him again, took his gun, truck and took him to jail.

The Hillbilly got out of Jail a few months later and went back home. He told himself again " I want a Bar, and by God, I am going get one".

So he went out, got a another License, a Bear Tag, a Truck, and went to the hills and shot a Bear. As he was dragging the Bear out of the woods, he ran into the same Game Warden again. The Game Warden said he remember him. He asked if he had a Bear Tag, the Hillbilly said yes, Game Warden asked if he had a License, Hillbilly said yes.

The Game Warden ask him how he got the the Bear this time. "Well" the HillBilly said " when I flashed this Spot Light at the bushes, that big ole Bar raised his head up and I popped him between the eyes.

[Azurerana]

Jimmy Earl, 56, accidentally shot his nephew Ricky Lee, 25, yesterday, mistaking him for a deer.
Ricky Lee was backing out of the driveway at the time. When police interviewed Jimmy Earl, he said:
"Waaal, he was driving a brown car with a white license plate and a roof rack. Shore looked like a deer to me."

[L Roebuck]

Q. How do you know when you are staying in a Tennessee motel?

A. When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead!" ;D

[madratdan]

Lone Ranger and Tonto Went Camping !

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
It tell me someone stolen tent."

[Cave Rat]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto was chasing a Renagade Apache when they came over the hill and spotted the Apaches camp.

All off the sudden they was surrounded by 100 Apache Warriors to the West on a hill and 200 Apache Warriors on a hill to the East.

They had 150 Apache Warriors charging toward them from the camp.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and ask, "What do we do, Tonto"?

Tonto turns to the Lone Ranger and answers, "What do you mean, we, White Man"!!

[Cave Rat]

A man goes into town one day and enters the local newspaper office.

He tells the lady working in the office he wants to place a ad in the paper for all his friends to see.

He tells her he wants to have a ad printed to invite 3 of his friends camping with him.

She says ok and tells the man to tells her what to print. He says ok.

He says" I want to invite Earl, Tom, and Carl to come camping with me next week".

"I want Earl to bring the Food. I want Tom to bring the fish bait. And I want Carl to bring the Moonshine for Snake Bite".

She says ok and I will have it printed. She then turns to the man and ask what he was bringing. He turns to her and says to her, " Oh, I'm bringing the snakes".

[madratdan]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know, if we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[Brian Roebuck]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked
my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then
with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open."