CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICAT

[madratdan]

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new Exam.
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, the California Department of Motor Vehicles has revised this exam and driver's test solely for California.

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: _______________________
Stage Name:________________________

Agent: ________________________
Attorney:________________________

Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ]
Formerly Female [ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
________________________________________.
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop!
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:
________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

* If less than 1 hour, please
explain:____________________ you #@*$&!

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

[Azurerana]

I actually just got a fishing license, and under hair color the clerk typed OTHER. I've been puzzling over it it ever since, My my hair is undyed salt and pepper gray/brown.

Apparently women with naturally bicolor hair are considered unnatural. Now, consider this: Indiana bats often have tricolor hair (considered a defining characteristic).

Bat ROCK STARS! Say YEAH!!!!!

Azurerana

[madratdan]

The thing I hate about driving California hiways are the motorcycles. They pass you on the dotted lines, no matter how fast you are driving. Even though I know they are out there, it still scares the H out of me every time it happens.

[Brian Roebuck]

Dan you ought to try driving in France sometime! Motorcycles at high speeds doing the same manuvers passing between rows of stopped cars in those narrow French streets! I'll never use hand signals again!

Maybe they learned such behavior from California? Another Cali-fad sweeps the world ;-)

Good joke BTW!

[Cavernicola]

No, it is not a California fad. California must have learned from Italian drivers. Go to Italy......beats the hell out of France driving (I have been in both!). There is an Italian cab driving around with my footprints deeply embedded on the floor board and my fingers' impressions on the door handle.

I wonder if this is a joke or a real application. If it is a joke is good and not too far from their real needs!

[Cindy Heazlit]

I noticed some errors on the form.

1) Under Hair Color, it lists females as platinum, blonde, etc. Please be advised that men dye their hair too. And blonde is the preference.

2) Under activities while driving, I noticed that "reading the newspaper" was missing. Also "watching TV" should be "watching TV/DVD"

3) I also noticed that "fiddling with the GPS unit" was missing under activities while driving.

4) Another "Activities while driving" - smoking (joints of course, as cigarettes are so non-PC)

FWIW, California has a high percentage of foreign type driving because it has a high percentage of immigrants. And from my trip to Greece I learned that Greek drivers drive like Italians do, except Greek drivers don't use their horns.